Anyway, I'm not.... I'm not gonna do that again.
That's a good one.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
[CLEARS THROAT]
So listen, I have something that I think I should tell you.
Okay.
It's kind of weird, and I hope you don't mind that I haven't told you yet, it's just--
Well, I mean, look, really, I'm telling you now...
...because I have had a really nice time tonight.
I like you.
You do? Yeah.
That is weird.
[LAUGHS]
I just.... I mean, I'd like to, you know, do this again.
Really? Yeah.
So do I. I'd love to see you again. Yeah.
That-- Wow.
That's nice, because you're telling me in the middle of the date.
Is that what you wanted to tell me? No.
No, that's why I wanna tell you what I'm going to tell you.
Please, go ahead.
Well.... Oh.
I have a kid.
You do? Yeah.
And it's just weird to tell someone that when you first meet them.
Guys can get really weird about it.
No, no, no. It's okay, it's okay.
I get why somebody would be weird about it.
I do, but, you know, I gotta say, it's really hard to get to know somebody--
Lisa, listen. You know, when you don't--
Listen, you have a kid. That's great.
I mean, what do you have, how old?
He's a boy. His name is Jack. He's 6 years old.
Really, 6 years old? Yeah.
So, what, kindergarten, first grade? First grade.
That's a great age.
That's such a great time.
Wow, you....
You're just being so great about this.
Well, listen, I, uh.... I guess....
This is really funny because I have something to tell you too.
Yeah? What? What's that?
Well, I, uh-- I have two kids.
You do? Yeah, I've got two girls.
Lilly, 9 years old, and Jane is 4.
It's hilarious...
...because all night we've been not telling each other something and it was the same--
I just don't think I can take this on right now.
[SIGHS]
A guy with.... A guy with kids?
Yeah, I just....
Wow, that's a lot.
[STAMMERING]
But, uh....
Yeah, that's kind of a bummer.
It's a bummer?
Well, I guess I thought you....
[IAN LLOYD'S "BROTHER LOUIE" PLAYING]
Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie
Louie, Louie, Louie, Lou-ah
Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie
Louie, Louie, you're gonna cry
Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie
Louie, Louie, Louie, Lou-ah
Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie
Louie, Louie, you're gonna die
Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie
[SIGHS]
And so the squirrel and the dog waited for the bus.
And they waited and waited. The bus must've been delayed...
...because it was taking a very long time.
And they just waited and they waited for the bus.
LILLY: Daddy, this story is boring.
Shh. It's supposed to be boring.
I'm trying to put you to sleep, that's why it's boring.
And so they waited for the bus and then an old woman came along...
...and she sat on the bench too...
...and then she waited for the bus and they all waited for the bus.
LILLY: Daddy, this story is so boring that it's keeping me awake.
JANE: Sing a song, Daddy.
I sang already for a half an hour, girls.
JANE: Please. No, you have to get to sleep.
JANE: No, sing a song. I'm not gonna sing.
I'm not gonna sing a song. Just go to sleep. I'm tired.
JANE: No, yes, you are. LILLY: Sing a song.
I'm not singing.
JANE: Please. Just go to sleep.
JANE: No, sing.
[SIGHS]
JANE: Sing.
[GIRLS CRYING]
Are you seriously crying because I'm not gonna sing?
[CRYING CONTINUES]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Putting the kids to bed is torture.
That's the hardest thing in the world to do. They don't wanna sleep.
It's important that they sleep, otherwise they're just pieces of shit the next day.
I want to sleep. I just wanna stop them, I want it to stop.
I love my kids, but at the end of the day, I got nothing left...
...and they're laying there like Clockwork Orange.
They have no interest in going to sleep.
I just wanna stop their ceaseless joy for life...
...so I can watch Cash Cab and jack off and pass out.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I want the joy and challenge of ******* parenthood to end...
...so I can go eat all the ice cream in the freezer...
...that they have no idea is there.
And it would break their hearts if they knew how much ice cream I keep in the house.
It's like a restaurant. It's a disgusting amount of ice cream.
And it's not for them. I never give them ice cream.
It's mine.
I wait till they're asleep...
...and I eat it in their room above their beds in the dark.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
That's right, it's mine.
They won't fall asleep. They say all sorts of cool stuff at night...
...but I don't wanna hear it. I want them to be asleep.
The other night, I was like, "They're asleep." Then I hear, "Daddy?
Birds are like paintbrushes that make colors in the sky."
"Honey, shut your mouth right now.
Just shut your goddamn mouth!
I will kill a bird in front of you."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[SIGHS]
Jesus.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Oh, shit, that's right.
Karen, hi. Hi.
Hey, uh, ahem....
I kind of forgot that I called you.
Are you crying? No. Hi.
Are the girls asleep?
Yeah, they just.... I just put them down.
Well, I'm not gonna be long.
I don't really have anywhere to go.
So I just thought I could use the night out. It's funny, I just forgot.
All right, good night.
[HORNS HONKING]
[SIGHS]
Hey, Karen. Ahem. I got nowhere to go.
Let me pay you like you've been here for a couple hours.
You can just go home, but-- Louie, please just get out of here.
What? Just go.
You do this all the time, you don't go anywhere.
Well, why do you care?
Because it's depressing. It's just sad.
You can't just be all by yourself all the time.
Look, Karen, thank you, but I'm okay. I got the girls and I'm fine.
You think the girls don't know you're alone?
Do you want to teach them that a good man just has nobody?
You have to be whole for them.
Be with somebody who's gonna care for you.
A man needs that.
It's none of my business, but I can't just sit here and watch you waiting to die.
I didn't realize I was--
Please just get out of here and try to get laid.
Just have fun.
Meet someone, you know?
If you don't give a shit about yourself...
...do it so the girls won't have a depressing loser for a father.
[SOBBING]
Just go. Okay, all right.
I don't have anywhere to go, but I'll try.
It's okay. Take it easy, okay? I'm fine, I'm fine.
I'm going out. Bye.
[SOBBING]
But why don't you just--? You're lying to me.
Give me a chance. If you're not gonna lie.
You never let me say what I have to say.
Well, then tell me. Do you always have to interrupt me?
Because you are a liar. Can I talk? Can I talk?
Yes. You're never gonna--
Look, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
Hi, how you doing?
Are you, um...? Are you in the Army or...?
I got nothing, man. What was that?
You know what? You gotta hang out with those black comics.
Those guys know how to get laid.
Watch how they go after these chicks. It's unbelievable.
I'm not going to that club.
Man, I know the doorman. We get in real quick.
Hey, what's up, ladies? How y'all doing? So where we going tonight?
Come on, we going to a club, we going out? What's up?
Let's go, let's go. Come on.
What's your name, boo? Let's see, Lisa.
Nick's right. You gotta be like that.
You gotta be confident, black, handsome, not boring.
Don't wear that shirt.
Hey, guys. Oh, what's up, C.K.?
Hey, man, can I hang out with you tonight?
[CHUCKLES]
You want to hang out with us?
Listen, man, I know that I'm older and I don't really run at your speed and....
You know how to do this whole thing and I don't really know.
So you wanna hang out with the brothers so you can get some pussy, huh?
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Never mind. Thanks anyway.
No, no, no. Come back, come back.
You can hang with us. We're gonna get you laid tonight.
We got you. Thank you.
It's a big world, man.
We gonna find you something. All right.
Ladies, this is Louie C.K. He's gonna be hanging out with us tonight.
Yeah. He's 40 years old.
Oh, my God. Seriously?
I'm actually 42. Yeah, I'm old.
Let's go. Okay.
[HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
Yo! What up, big cousin? All right.
Pardon me. Get by you. Sorry about that.
All right, excuse me. How you doing? You look good, girl. My man, my man.
Hey! What's up, dude? All right, what's up?
Come on, man. Damn.
What's up, boy? Come on, man.
[HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING LOUDLY OVER SPEAKERS]
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
[ALL CHEER]
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
[SCREAMING]
[ALL LAUGHING]
[SIGHS]
Live comedy, check it out.
Who likes comedy?
Hey, man. What's up, bro?
How you doing? How's it going?
Got a crowd in there? Pfft. Crowd's like 12 drunks.
There's an Israeli couple making out in the back.
Wanna do some time?
Can I do five minutes? Yeah.
Thanks. Yeah.
I got divorced about a year ago and it's kind of--
You know, divorce is not--
It's like being free, but on the other end of a long prison term.
So it's like they just give you your old suit back...
...that you wore at court when you got convicted.
You get a little paper bag with what shit you had in your pockets.
They give you about $8 and drop you off at the bus station.
And you gotta learn how to reenter society.
Now, I'm not saying that I'm gonna carve my name on a beam and hang myself.
It's not quite that bad, but I definitely.... Here's the thing.
I'm 42, I'm really good at masturbating.
I'm like the best masturbator on the planet Earth.
There is nobody better at that than me, so I'm gonna continue to excel at that.
I'm gonna focus on that and raising my children.
I know it's not nice to say both those things in one sentence...
...but they happen to be the two things that I do the best.
[SIGHS]
Hey, Karen.
Hey. Karen, wake up. Hi.
Hey, hi. Hey.
Wow, so you had fun, huh? Yeah, yeah, I was out.
It was crazy. Uh-- Partied and got drunk.
Chick with big boobs and we, you know, made out.
It was great. So thank you.
Uh-- You were right, I really needed to get out.
So great. Thanks, here you go. And sorry that I'm late.
I didn't mean to keep you up. No, I'm glad.
Good, good. I just don't want you to be alone.
I know, I know. Thank you very much. Thanks a lot, babe.
[SIGHS]
Daddy. Hey.
Good morning, Daddy.
Good morning? It's 4:00 in the morning. Why are you guys...? Why are you awake?
I'm hungry.
You're hungry?
Daddy, can we go out to breakfast?
You want to go out to breakfast now?
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
You had a bad night
You had a real bad night
The kind of night Where you wish
You didn't have to have Anymore nights
You had a bad night
Boy, was that a shitty, Shitty night
Wasn't your first And it wasn't your worst
But all the same
Could somebody please stop These shitty, shitty nights
Now the night is over Bring back the sky
Whiskey is gone And the corner's dry
There was a time When all we'd do
Is sit on the floor And get real high
That don't work You can't sit back
You're too young to die You're too old to cry
The ones who'll see The bad nights till the end
Will say they know just
How a bad night
Turns to day
Yeah
See the bad nights
Turn to day
Another day Another day
It may not be a good one Yeah
It may not be a better one But it's another day
Please give me another day
Night. Thank you very much. Good night.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
[English - US - PSDH]